if youre hating where you are, just look at where i am

seriously going to go for a rock of love with daisy casting call right now. i was casted through myspace, got a message from the CD and gave her my number whatnot, spoke to her on the phone when i was im texas. a few days later im going to meet her and do an on camera interview haha.

let me be your rock of love.

places to go

on tour right now. its been raining every fucking day pretty much. fun as hell though, get to see terror every night. ( who also just drove past us and mooned us about 5 minutes ago )

I don't miss home at all I wish I could always be on tour or just anything that's an excuse to be away. I like being where no one knows my name.

can't wait to get to texas.

the only thing im sure of

is that im not sure of a fucking thing

don't panic

detoxing! not from drugs, well, not from illegal drugs or anything. I've been taking a pill called Cymbalta that has run my mind for me for the past few months. don't get me wrong, I wasn't like a zombie and didn't mean things I said. but I def lost a noticable, and crucial spark in my life that I've always had. right now is about the 5th or 6th day I've gone without taking said medicine.

I'm jumping the gun. let me explain.

Cymbalta is an anti-depressant.
I am NOT depressed, I was prescribed it to help what was once crippling anxiety and panic attacks. I haven't had a panic attack in 6 months. something that was a daily occurance, and controled my life and made me so miserable. the Cymbalta can definitely be accreditted to helping me defeat anxiety. but I think it did enough and I can control it on my own now. and. even if it can't, I'd rather be anxious and have my own mind then calm and dull.

anyway, like I was saying, when you stop taking it, for some reason during the withdrawl it literally is just as bad as an opiate. I feel sudden jolts in my brain, almost like lighting striking in my head, but it doesn't even hurt I just feel it. or maybe feeling nuerons being pushed or pulled threw a synapse. its really hard to explain, but boring story short it last about 2 weeks, I'm half there and it only gets worse. I'm so dizzy that I can't even leave my bed, I feel like the weightless feeling you get the second you start dropping on a rollercoaster........every 5 minutes. its really the most intense thing I've ever experienced in my life. I'm smoking weed right now because its the only thing that can cover the symptoms of the withdrawel. cold turkey rules.


but in much sicker news. I'm going to be going out with Endwell Nov. 5th-17th on their tour with As Blood Runs Black, Terror, On Broken Wings, Endwell and even Emmure on some dates, hahah. seriously.
I'm so stoked to go, I'm just doing merch but I need a mini vacation, need some open road and freedom from this island. its going to be dope. I'm smoking a bowl under my covers posting this from my phone.

ily

" loved ones"

Sit across from you, why are we even here?
There is no way to make up for the 20 years.
I love trying to make conversation when I could careless of what you're
doing,
what are you doing? And I know you never cared 'till now.
All my days go back to when you would scream.
And it froze me.
Guess the screaming runs in the family.
You look tired and run-down. Are you even excited to see your baby boy?
Put a razor to the skin 'till we don't resemble each other anymore.
Sit across from you, why are we even here?
There is no way to make up for the 20 years.
So now I see the tears welling up, finally you care I've waited all my life
for this.
It's always been over, its always been over for us.
A single tear, a last resort for all who've never felt.
Sit across from you, why are we even here?
There is no way to make up for these 20 years.
If I could flip this table I'd stab you with every word that lied its way
out of your head.

ptw

when the light at the end of the tunnel only ends up being Jersey..

friends dont ever want to do anything?
people you love always away at work or school?
parents got you down?
hate where you live?
hate who you know?
hate where youve been?
already used to drinking alone?
scared to work for Con-ed or some other bullshit job in NYC?
scared to live here til at least your 40's?
anxiety. fear. depression.
3 for 50?
dirty hair, dirty nails?
me too.
blame your town.
lets move.

'Tis the season!

" i think my older brother used to listen to them "

i saw the loved ones today at the knitting factory with tina. they were so so so sick. i wish i was in that band. i wish that kind of music was what is popular right now ( kind of ) instead of that gross bands that i think only make music so they can sell merch. merch music. big ugly ass gawdy colored...im not even going to explain you know what it is!





the pink spiders played before them, there were about 20 people there and they played and sounded like shit. they sang that song "little razorblade" but you probably remember them from that ugly music video with all those people rollerskating circa 1974.


why do i post on this?

YEW GAWWWTAA SEE THA BAYYBEE

Jeff now has a baby girl! wahoo Jeff!

I am going to see her ( Oliva ) tonight, with Cory. Im excited!

its september, i couldnt be happier

i love the weather towards the end of this month. i cant wait.

i can wait for all my friends to leave for like 2 months that shit is going to suck.

• new job. $$$$. car/domicile soon. sooo soon.

who even reads this thing? im sure theres a gripe of you who do. everyone make one its the bees knees.

i want to go on a vacation, i want to relocate from staten island. i never thought id say it but i almost would like to live in brooklyn....

im 21.whiskey please =)

and in nothing new news... im very high as i type this.

honestly i cant remember those teen dreams
all my teenage feelings and their meanings
they seem too see-through to be true
all the whos are there
but the 'whys' are unclear

flawless victory

i punched the girl i love most in the head today while we were asleep in bed. you see when i sleep i dream and im always on the defense, im always trying to escape someone, or something. natural disasters, people, places. i try to scream but i never have a voice, and i try to punch and kick but its like im in slow motion with 20 pound weights on my limbs. im not kidding. this makes my body freak out, and i start throwing punches in real life. this isnt the first or second time ive done this to her. sorry!

sick/sinking

Brand new. Times are changing. Im sick. Need a career. Save me.